Episode 11, "I see the games you're playing"

Absolutely brilliant! That is what I have to say about CBS’s Kid Nation once I saw through their thinly veiled ploy and realized this really is a brilliantly-diabolical plan to gain a monopoly on all the future reality show participants! Let me lay out the evidence:

1) Wife Swap, ABC, and Trading Spouses, Fox, have been getting a bit predictable with all the conflict based on who does the vacuuming. The best episode I ever watched (really this is a best out of 5 or so) was when the one wife was a local religious leader: head of her Coven. On Kid Nation, the producers don’t leave the hard-to-discuss topic of religion out-of-bounds and this week the kids were asked to hold a religious gathering for, what seemed like, no other purpose than to give them an excuse to yell at each other. This is perfect training for the yet-to-be-aired Family Exchange: Holy Wars, coming soon on CBS!

2) Trauma: Life in the ER, TLC, shows dramatic footage of car accident, gun shot and construction accidents (recall the nail gun shot into a man’s skull) but they haven’t really tapped into the available market when it comes to herpes. Watch about 10 minutes of Kid Nation and you will count no less than 20 cold-sores…and there are less than 40 kids on the show. This is the perfect opportunity for CBS to swoop in and take over TLC’s little medical show and re-title it Trauma: Outbreak in the Desert.

3) Intervention, currently airs on A&E, but will have to acquiesce to CBS once the kids from Bonanza City fully develop their appetite for shots. You see, on Kid Nation there is a saloon that is fully stocked with seltzer water & root beer for the kids to unwind with. And what did CBS provide to serve those tasty drinks? You guessed it, shot glasses. So now we get to watch 8-15 year olds pound shots of root beer, have chugging contests until 3 in the morning (they have beer mugs too) and grab a bottle to go (aka: a roadie) when missing their girlfriend becomes too much to handle. Oh yeah, there was also a seltzer water fight where the 15 year old “kid” was spraying the down the 9 & 10 year old girls…hardly more than a half step away from To Catch a Predator, NBC, and wet T-shirt contests on The Girls Next Door, E!

Next week’s episode features Town Council elections: would you vote for the Atheist, the one who can chug a root beer in 5 seconds or the one with the cold sore vaccine? Cast your vote wisely…

The Queen has spoken!

"Spin-off", Want some real reality TV?

Disclaimer: Some names have been changed to protect the privacy of those individuals involved.

So everyone thinks that all these new reality shows are the newest craze on TV, but I beg to differ. I know, I know, there’s nothing better than watching a buck o’ five sorority chic drink a gallon of a zebra’s intestinal fluid/lemur eyes/squirrel toe-nail clippings (just for a little crunch) concoction or that father of 4 that had to send his children to the crazy uncles for 3 months so he could live on an island just to get kicked off right before the grand prize. We tune in ever week, just to check up and see how our favorite person is doing, but why? Next season it will be someone new, drinking a new concoction, on a different island…

And here’s my point: Baseball. Baseball is the ultimate reality show. We, well at least myself, are all invested in this program a little bit more than any other reality show. We grew up on that same “island” where they play, we’re the little “extras” that can influence who gets that “immunity idol” at the end of the game (I can totally plug in a little “Why the hell aren’t the games sold out down there?” right now, but I won’t!), and most of all, we’ve seen these characters grow over years before our eyes and they'll be around for the next season. I know 162 episodes is a lot to catch, its like trying to watch every 90210 re-run on the soap network every afternoon, its just not gonna happen. (Yes, I am one of the little people, a Non-Tivoian.) But this time of year is when even the most casual of fans should be tuning in, everything is elevated and everything is more dramatic. There’s no producer to make you see it “their way”, however, the commentators would love if you would, but that just gives us the guy(s) on the show to despise. Every swing could mean an entire change of the “game plan” and even the little weird looking kid could be the hero, you just never know…

I know Queen, sports were not going to be part of you TV insight, but its hard to overlook this ultimate reality show that is playing out right in front of us… not to mention NASCAR in its championship and football just getting under way… I apologize, I am slacking on all the new premiers, but it’s a great time of year for reality!!!

And if that still doesn’t meet your approval, look at the match ups we have going on:

-Drew Lachey (the little brother of Nick, that nobody really paid attention too growing up down by the river, but came up with the right moves at the right time)

vs

-Omarosa (the overconfident bitch, that is just slightly less obnoxious than Donald Yankee, err Trump)

and

-Rupert (that lovable old tie-dyed shirt wearing guy, with an obvious love for that Rocky Mountain high)

vs

-Magda (that wrinkly, sun soaked old lady in “Something about Mary”, thats it)

Cheers!!!

Episode 10, "That's What She Said"

This blog is inspired by those folks I've been talking with about TV:

"Maybe he should be paired with a man." That's what the King said about the complete lack of chemistry between Cameron (Soap Opera Star) and his professional partner Edyta (who is destined never to win) after watching their Tango last night on Dancing with the Stars, ABC.

"The unfortunate thing is you are waiting for an event to happen which, for the longevity of the show, you hope never happens." That's what MCO said about the plots of shows like Life, NBC, & Dirty Sexy Money, ABC, which are based upon an intriguing mystery which, once solved, takes away the appeal of the show.

"Sometimes its a bit gory." That's what a co-worker said about the season premier of Criminal Minds, CBS, where there was a quite a bit of blood splatter in Gideon's flashbacks, the college campus and then in the second episode where women had their hearts chiseled out! Spoiler alert: they caught the bad guys (ok, not really a spoiler, cuz you knew that would happen!)

"You don't watch?!" That's what ASG said to the Queen about House, Fox, when commenting on how House, like Christina Yang, referred to his job applicants as numbers. The humor, that I'm told ensued, in that episode may be enough to convince the Queen to add House back to my season pass list.

"They must have blown the CGI budget on, uhm, I don't know what" That's what the Queen said about last night's episode of Heroes, NBC, after observing a steady decline in the special effects this season...or maybe they just don't seem as special without George Takai.

The Queen, and several others, have spoken!

Episode 9, Where Season Premiers Go Wrong

There were a lot of good series and season premiers out there last week including: The Office on NBC (yes, Jim & Pam did hook up), Criminal Minds on CBS (who knew Mandy Patinkin was retiring?!), My Name is Earl on NBC, (yes, Earl found people in prison on his list), Life on NBC (one of my favorite new series this fall-a complete surprise!) and Cane on CBS (the best new show on this fall-and I expected it to be.) But there were also some duds. Let's explore where season premiers go wrong! (Oh yeah, this entry is full of spoilers in case you haven't watched last week's TV yet...read on at your own risk!)

Starting with the most benign of errors: Unrealistic character changes. Grey's Anatomy, ABC, takes the cake here for 3 reasons. First was the introduction of Meredith’s half sister, Lexie. Is it just me or is Lexie an odd-miniature Meredith who the writers have mimicking everything I dislike about Meredith: the hesitant speech patterns, the "getting lost while thinking inside her head" and most disdainfully her showing up (admittedly, last season) in the bar where Dr. Shepard didn't introduce himself as a doctor. Second was the sudden resignation of Dr. Burke. Yes, I know what happened in real life that got him fired from the show, but I take issue with it taking Christina more than 17 days and nearly a whole shift to figure out that he was gone in a hospital where patients (who were presumably a bit distracted by their own needs) knew that Meredith was sleeping with Addison's so-to-be-ex-husband and had the nerve to confront Addison about it within a couple hours of being admitted. (Oh, and there was never once mention of Addison down in California, weird.) Third too many new characters: Why did Izzy, Alex, Christina & Meredith all have to get 4 interns? As long as Christina keeps referring to them by number, we should be OK. So why should you watch? Grey's is still an enjoyable, gossipy hospital drama that will make you laugh and cry. The best line of the premier was Izzy to her interns: "When I woke up this morning I thought I was going to get the good interns, but I didn't. I got the duds. So we'll all have to change our expectations a little."

The second place to mess up a premier, particularly a series premier, is to leave us confused if the show is a drama or comedy. The notable entry here is Big Shots, ABC. I really had high hopes for this show with actors from some of my favorite shows (Christopher Titus from the short-lived sitcom Titus, Joshua Malina from the highly rated drama West Wing, Michael Vartan from action & suspense packed Alias and Dylan McDermott from the law-drama The Practice.) But I was left confused and unsatisfied with the first hour of the show. Was I supposed to feel compassion for Dylan trying to make amends by offering his 19-year old daughter a job at his cosmetic company? Humor when Vartan's philandering boss was killed by a runaway golf cart? The list of incongruities goes on and on, I think in part because the leading men are both comedic and dramatic actors. So why should you watch? Hopefully the producers/directors will tighten up the focus of this show and deliver a compelling drama about rich, powerful businessmen...although it is quite possible the subject matter just isn't that compelling.

In my mind, the most egregious error in a season premier is traumatic injury to a main character. ER, NBC, follows this path season after season. In fact, I believe the pilot episode began with the Juliana Margulies character attempting suicide and being rushed into County General. This season begins with Neela nearly being trampled to death in an anti-war rally, being taken to County General and undergoing life saving surgery requiring 11 pints of blood. Really ER? After 14 seasons of Dr. Romano's arm amputation (and later death) by helicopter, Dr. Ray Bennett’s being hit by a bus, Dr. Pratt's surviving a road rage shooting and plunge into the river, Dr. Dubenko's bout as the "remote robot TV-head doctor" and Dr. Greene's bathroom beat-down by an angry brother of a patient the best you can do is 11 pints of blood? (note the sarcasm) Given the "accidental" injury rate, I think it wise not to accept any job offers at County General. So why should you watch? ER's been on the air for 14 years and has effectively dealt with a rotating cast while still delivering touching story lines that bring a tear to my eye.

The Queen has spoken!

Episode 8, Too Little Blogging & Too Much TV?

The answer to the title question of this blog is "no." While you may be disappointed that I'm not blogging daily during premier week, I do have a valid excuse: I'm watching TV. And while there are a few things that rank above TV, blogging is not on my list. Here's a few snippets of what I've been checking out the past couple days:

Family Guy, Fox: Actually I only saw part of the episode...it was the King who watched the whole thing (on the secondary tivo, of course.) I'm not a big fan of Star Wars and while I like the raw, insensitive humor of the Family Guy, the 10 minutes I watched of the hour long season premier contained two jokes that went on for an eternity. First was the awkwardly long & silent scene joke: played in the Death Star elevator. Second was the annoyingly long fitting-a-large-sofa-through-a-small-door joke: have you ever had a sofa you couldn't maneuver through a door? It’s really not that funny.

Dancing with the Stars, ABC: I only watched the women dance so far (I'll try to watch the men before I turn-in tonight and play the elimination show before work tomorrow so I don't get spoiled!)...and wow, was I impressed by the Cheetah Girl, what-ever-her-name-is. That was a better Cha Cha Cha than I saw from some folks on So You Think You Can Dance this past summer! Other observations (partial credit to a co-worker who watched the premier Monday night sans-tivo): Jennie Garth-from 90210-impressed with the flexibility in that split and Marie Osmond covered up her lack of dancing talent with acting and charisma not seen since John Ratzenberger danced!

Beauty and the Geek, CW: In week one, this season's twist was introduced...one couple has a geeky girl and a beauty guy. This week the guy proved he had enough brains to support his nerdy lady when he won a debate over lowering the legal drinking age to 18 with "I've partied with a lot of cool 18 year-olds, dude." Nice. If you wonder if you can learn anything from watching a show like Beauty and the Geek, I can tell you I learned what a LARPer is. If you already know, you probably have a good chance of making it on the show.

Reaper, CW: Series premier was this week and while I love the premise, the pilot was a bit drawn out being that it was 60 minutes long. But it turns out having your soul sold to the devil by your parents isn't such a bad thing, and the devil isn't such a bad guy. Our hero, Sam, gets to catch souls that escaped from hell with a vacuum cleaner and return them to a drop point-at hell on earth-the DMV (of course!) And the devil helped Sam out for no reason at all (or maybe to gain his trust? Does the devil really need to gain trust?) by buying a bunch of stuff at the WorkBench where Sam is a floor salesman so he could win the spiral sliced ham...nice guy that devil, right?!

Journeyman, NBC: Series premier quickly took us viewers into the mystery our main character is experiencing in his life...he's traveling through time-but so far only his own adult lifetime. In his first flashback he runs into his old lover who is dead in present time...and then (if I understood it right) runs into her again on the next journey back, but its the future her, who should be dead, and who knows that he is traveling through time on some sort of mission. It seems to be set up with a complex puzzle to solve and I think I'll enjoy it. The bad news is I don't remember the main character’s name and the dead-potentially time traveling-lover's name is either Lydia or Olivia. The second set of bad news comes in the form of what's-his-name's Blackberry. It’s too reminiscent of the little hand-held Ziggy computer-thing that Dean Stockwell carried around in Quantum Leap.

Cane, CBS: Wow! First off, I didn't really pay attention to the cast. Not only do we have Jimmy Smits, but we also have Hector Elizondo and Nestor Carbonell in prominent roles! Before the first 5 minutes were over I was totally hooked! The entire cast (including the younger members) deliver convincing performances far exceeding any other show I've watched this fall. In case you missed the first episode: Hector gives controlling interest of the family's sugar/rum business to his adopted son, Jimmy, much to the dismay of Nestor-who's literally been sleeping with the enemy. Oh yes, this show will be good and it will be here for the long haul!

Law & Order: SVU, NBC: Here's an oldie, but a goodie. And Olivia is definitely the name of a character! I love the pacing of each episode...really an hour of SVU (much less without commercials) just flies by before you know it! Oh yeah, and Stabler's wife is pregnant...I guess they'll be staying together after all.

The Biggest Loser, NBC: Spoiler alert...they kicked off Jerry from the blue team...the oldest contestant ever and the one who lost more than 30 pounds in the first week. Since leaving the show he's lost about 90 pounds and looks great. Good for him!

Top Chef, Bravo: They sent the final four to Aspen and as a welcome gave them a hot air balloon ride. Here's my question: I've seen a few hot air balloon accidents on the news...would you like to float around in a wicker basket below a blasting jet of fire on a cold morning in the mountains? Me? Not so much.

On Thursday The Office, NBC, returns...set your tivos!!! (As if they aren't already...)

The Queen has spoken!

Episode 7, Its Finally Here!

No, not Christmas...Premier Week! Of course a few shows tried to get a head start last week in hopes they'd set the hook deep so you don't switch to the meatier shows this week. Here's what I've been watching over the past few days:

Back to You, Fox, was not so hot in the series premier last week. In the first episode the writers left no stone unturned when it came to looking up old, stale jokes. If that's not enough to disappoint you, they also left nothing to the imagination when it comes to character development (Kelsey left town 10 years ago after a night of steamy sex with Patricia-she now has a 10 year old daughter-in the last minute of the show they actually told us that Kelsey's the dad-just in case we were too stupefied by the lame jokes to have figured it out.) I'm not sure how much longer this show will last on my season pass, or on the air.

Kid Nation, CBS, took the top spot away from Back to You when it came to settling the quadruple conflict dilemma. I love kids when I can fast forward through their most annoying moments (I think even most parents would agree with me on that one) and watch only the truly amazing accomplishments (namely 8 years old making biscuits without a recipe-how'd they do it?!) This show isn't getting promoted on my season pass list, but isn't getting deleted either.

Heroes, NBC, is back! How I missed the characters and after tonight's season premier i can't wait until next week to get my fix! Spoiler Alert (for the rest of the paragraph): George Takei is (dare I say was?) wonderful for Heroes, but who was it that killed him? Sylar? One of the best scenes was the "Butler" family having a nice, normal dinner around the table-full of spirited conversation-just like the rest of America! See how boring our lives are?! Makes you want some super powers even more now, doesn't it?! Huh? You know you want them...yes, I'm talking about you! (subject for an upcoming blog will be what super-powers you want and why, so give it careful consideration starting now) Question for the more diligent viewers out there: Is Nathan Petrelli really Sylar? Is that what his burned reflection in the mirror at the bar was supposed to be revealing?

Prison Break, Fox, had its second episode of the season tonight and *spoiler alert* after the exploding plastic bag of moonshine with a 20 foot long wick made of bed sheets all I can say is: I called it! Scofield is MacGuyver in a Panamanian prison!

I'll be checking out Journeyman's premier on NBC later in the week (or over the weekend.) After a bit of Monday Night Football, I just didn't have the time to fit it in tonight. And speaking (briefly) of sports-Go Carl Edwards! If you've never given NASCAR a try, I urge you to do so now. There are less than 20 points separating 1st place from 6th with only 8 races left! I'm rooting for Edwards to have minimal penalties for the failed post race inspection (which doesn't appear to be intentionally caused at all) and to win both the Busch and Nextel Cup Championships!

The Queen has spoken!

Episode 6, I've Been Watching!

Phew! Watching TV can be hard work! Here's what I've been watching tonight:

Prison Break, Fox, Season Premier was great! Gory, nasty, inmate run SONA prison in Panama will be the stage for Scofield's next breakout...and this time he doesn't have the way out tattooed across his back. Its like MacGuyver in Oz (the HBO kind, not Dorothy)

Survivor, CBS, Season Premier was and always is a bit lack-luster. The one question I have is if you know you are in China to go on the show Survivor and traveling around in the back of a monster pickup truck, wouldn't you change out of the dress and 3-inch heels? Just in case? Maybe?

My Name is Earl, NBC, Damn-it...my tivo fooled me! This was an encore of the season finale from last year where Earl goes to jail instead of Joy. (I did get a bit choked up when Joy told her boys "and pray for old-daddy too.") I was fooled because there was a painful (even to my tone deaf ears) "Free Earl" music video at the end. That was enough to warrant a tivo original air date of Sept 20th, 2007. Like the Who, I won't be fooled again. No, No, No!

IronChef America, Food Network-I like food. A lot. And I love cooking shows. And Mark Tarbell is from Phoenix, does frequent appearances on 3 TV's morning show, has a yummy restaurant-that uses OpenTable for reservations- aaaaand *spoiler alert* Kicked Cat Cora's ass on "Battle Apple."

...And I've been organizing my season passes to manage through the triple and quadruple conflicts. I've got almost of all the worth-wild (aka: mentioned on my blog) series premiers loaded and only ran into 1 quadruple conflict. Why care about a quadruple conflict? Between my 2 tivo's I can tivo 3 shows on different channels at the same time-but to do 4 I'd have to drop another line into the bedroom TV. So if there are 4 shows I want, I must make a choice :( It really is a troubling experience: Do I pick Kid Nation or Back to You over Top Chef and Dancing with the Stars? What if Kid Nation really turns out like SONA on Prison Break-I want to see some 7 year-old throw the chicken foot down! What if Back to You has an unpredictable joke-I wouldn't want to miss that! Do you comprehend the dilemma!?! Since there is an encore presentation of Kid Nation Saturday night I'll be OK and will be able to make an educated choice when it comes to this season's first quadruple conflict. Don't worry, please.

I'm off to watch an episode of Forensic Files, Court TV, while I fall asleep!

The Queen has spoken!